646. Nobody Listens To Me!

"During the times I am speaking in the office meetings or when I am having a personal conversation with someone, no one listens to what I am saying" lamented Aravindan.

"Every one is likely to feel that way during certain times" said his friend Sarathy.

Aravindan did not appear to be satisfied by Sarathy's explanation. He continued.

"Yesterday, there was a meeting in my office. When we were discussing an issue, I made a suggestion, No one, including the General Manage, who presided over the meeting, took notice of what I had said. But, after a while, when Paranthaman made a suggestion, every one praised it. Paranthaman could not even speak fluently in English. He speaks with a lot of mistakes. People often laugh at the mistakes he makes. In fact, Paranthaman's speech errors will always be a topic in casual converations between people working in our office. But, ironically, when he speaks, people listen to him keenly!"

"What if his English is flawed? If his suggestions are good, it is only natural that people will listen to him."

"Don't be a fool. There was not much difference between what he suggested and what I had suggested earlier. When I made the suggestion, people were sitting impassively, like a buffalo drenching in the rain. But the same people paid attention, when Paranthaman spoke! How?" asked Aravindan, angrily.

'If you don't understand the reason for that, it means you are a big fool' thought Sarathy. He then sought to take leave of Aravindan. 

'"Why are you leaving? Are you angry with me for calling you a fool?" asked Aravindan. 

"Why should I feel hurt by you calling me a fool? You are my friend, after all. But, I have a doubt. During a discussion in your office, if  someone expresses a different opinion, will you call that person a fool?" asked Sarathy. 

"How can I call a person superior to me in my office a fool?"

"Does it mean that you will call your colleagues and subordinates fools?" asked Sarathy, laughing.

"No" said Aravindan. But, after a pause, he said, "Yes. I have sometimes called them fools!"

"Aravindan! I am not a communication expert. I am just sharing my thoughts with you. I have noticed that whenever you are making a point, you are doing it with an emphasis and assertion. It appears to me that you act under the stress and anxiety that the other person should accept what you say. But people who listen will not like this approach. Driven by an unconscious feeling of resentment that you are trying to push your point hard, they will become defensive and avoid listening to you, by diverting their attention to something else. So, they wouldn't know what you said at all.

"Secondly, I have observed that when the other person is speaking, you don't listen to him patiently. You cut him short, by interjecting some remark or by summarily dismissing his  viewpoint as 'foolish,' 'impractical' etc. People will naturally have a feeling of resentment at their point having not been given due consideration. Their resentment will be reflected by their not showing interest in listening to you."

"You say you are not a communication expert. But how do you manage to make this analysis? Did you read about these points in some book?" asked Aravindan. 

Sarathy was both surprised and relieved that Aravindan did not get provoked by his feedback. It appeared to Sarathy that the way Aravindan responded in a calm manner was a sign that Aravindan was pondering over the points mentioned by Sarathy.

"No. I didn't pick up these points from any book. My observations were based on my having observed you when you were speaking and interacting with me. You mentioned that people were attentive while Paranthaman was speaking, despite his communication skills being poor. It is possible that he is a person who speaks in a gentle and friendly manner and listens to others with with patience and empathy. I don't know about him. But, if you observe him closely, you may gain an insight into his attributes" said Sarathy.

Aravindan did not reply. He was thinking about what Sarathy had said.

Thirukkural
Section 2

Materialism

Chapter 65
The Power of Speech

Verse 646 (in Tamil):
vEtpaththan sollip piRar sol payan kOdal
mAtchiyin mAsaRRAr kOL.

Meaning:

Speaking in a way that will make others love to listen and seeking to listen and understand when others speak are the attributes of those with impeccable qualities.

(This is the English version of the Tamil story 'en pEchchai yArum kEtpadhillai' by the same author.) 

Verse 647 (Soon)
Verse 645