146. A Shadow From the Past

"How I wish that my elder brother had chosen some other place to conduct the marriage of his daughter!" remarked Sivamani.

"Why do you say so? Your brother is a person who commands good respect in the village. He is wealthy. He has a big mansion in the village. He has people around him, who would do things at his command. Why should he forego all these advantages and choose to conduct his daughter's marriage in another place?" asked his wife Santha.

"I had not been to my village for the past fifteen years. If I go there now to attend the marriage, people known to me will find fault with me for not visiting the village for such a long time."

"Should you be worried about it? Everyone knows that after my father passed away soon after our marriage, you have settled down at this place, in order to look after my father's business."

"That is true. But the villagers will still question me for having not visited my village even once, during these fifteen years."

"Yes. Even I have wondered why you didn't show any interest in visiting your native village all these years!" said Santha.

"There is no particular reason for this. Once I started looking after your father's business, I was unable to move out because my presence was always required here for the day-to-day running of the business. If you can't understand this, how are people in my village going to?" said Sivamani.

That incident had happened one year before Sivamani's marriage. His brother being a wealthy and influential person in the village, Sivamani was living a carefree life. Driven by the energy of his youth. he was roaming about the village in the company of hos friends, 

One day, he went to the house of Utharapathy, a resident of the village, to convey a message from Sivamani's brother. When Sivamani went there, Utharapathy was not home. His wife Susila was at home alone. Sivamani conveyed the message intended for Utharapathy to Susila and got up to leave. At that time, due to some impulse, Susila pulled Sivamani towards her and hugged him. Though stunned by this, Sivamani yielded to her desire.  

After that, Sivamani and Susila met quite a few times ensuring that nobody saw them together. Though both had the apprehension that they could be caught, neither did anything to end the relationship.

Eventually, the illicit relationship was sensed by someone in the village and through him the news began to spread. But no one dared to bring this to the knowledge of Sivamani's brother, out of the fear people had for him.

As soon as Sivamani came to know that his affair with Susila had become a talking point in some circles in the village, he stopped meeting Susila. But, even after ending is relationship with Susila, he was living in the constant fear of the information about his affair with Susila reaching the ears of either his brother or Utharapathy.

Once, when Sivamani was walking on a street in the village, he saw Utharapathy walking towards him from the opposite side, carrying a sickle in his hand. For a moment, Sivamani froze in fear, almost feeling sure that Utharapathy was going to cut off his head with the sickle.

But, after coming near him, Utharapathy passed him with a smile. Sivamani felt as if he was given a new lease of life. 

A person walking with a sickle in his hand is a common sight in village. Reflecting on the fact how such a common sight had created the fear of death in him, Sivamani cursed himself for having committed the wrong of having an affair with the wife of another man.

One day, Utharapathy committed suicide by hanging himself. His suicide was attributed to the insurmountable debt problem faced by him.

However, Sivamani had a lurking suspicion that Utharapathy could have committed suicide, driven by a sense of shame on coming to know of his wife's affair with Sivamani.

After a few months, Sivamani married Santha. With Santha's father passing away one month after the marriage, the responsibility of carrying on his business fell on Sivamani's shoulders. Sivamani shifted his residence to his father in law's place and took over the business. After that, Sivamani did not visit his native village.

'As pointed out by Santha, I have been avoiding visiting my native village. Now, I have to visit my village to attend the marriage of my brother's daughter!' reflected Sivamani.

Many people in the village exchanged greetings with Sivamani and conversed with him. He was not sure how many of them knew about his affair with Susila.

When Sivamani had a chance to be alone with his childhood friend Muthu, he asked Muthu, "How is Utharapaty's wife doing?'

"After the demise of her husband, she has seldom stepped out of her house. She has leased out her lands and been living on the income she gets from the lease. Why are you asking about her?" replied Muthu.

"Well. I remembered some people in the village gossiping that she had an affair with me" said Sivamani, reluctantly.

"Yes. I had also heard such a talk."

"Are they still talking about it?"

"In the village, such talks will always remain in the air. They may subside over time but will never go away. They will be carried from one generation to another."

"Do you believe it to be true?"

"Don't I know about you?" replied Muthu.

Sivamani was not sure what Muthu's reply meant.

"Why talk about it now?" asked Muthu, apparently intending to move away from that topic.

But, he continued to talk about Utharapathy's family.

"You know that Utharapathy had a son. He has grown big. He has done his bachelor's degree from the college near our town. He told me that he wanted to meet you."

"Why does he want to meet me?" asked Sivamani, shocked by Muthu's words.

'Has he known the truth? As it happens in films, is he going to take revenge on me?'

Questions like these surfaced in Sivamani's mind.

"He wants to start a small business. It seems someone in the village advised him to seek your advice, since you have experience in running a business."

Sivamani felt as if his breath had stopped for a while and got revived.

'How long am I going to live in regret, shame and the fear of sin and vengeance for a wrong I had committed many years back?'

Sivamani had no answer to this question.

Thirukkural

Section 1
The Path of Virtue

Chapter 14
Possession of Propriety 

Verse 146 (In Tamil)

pagai pAvam achcham pazhi ena nAngum
igavAvAm il iRappAn kaN.

Meaning:

Animosity, sin, fear, disgrace; these four will never leave a person who had a liaison with another man's wife.

(This is the English version of the Tamil story 'eththanai kAlamdhan' by the same author)

Verse 147 (Soon)
Verse 145